Tuesday, June 22, 2010

My Many Hats.

I wear many hats in my life.  Sometimes I feel like I am going to drown because of all these hats and the feelings of disappointment when I don’t live up to the expectations of each “hat” I wear.  I am not sure if this post is a pregnancy hormone driven post or if I truly am drowning in all of  this with a need for a way “out”.  I don’t really want “out” of any of my hats…I just want a way to manage them all better without feeling like I am literally going to suffocate. 

The Student Hat:

I am a full time student.  I do all my work online but this does not mean I am not studying in almost all my free time just like a student that attends regular college courses.  I really struggle with this because my classes are accelerated courses, which means that I have one test per class and if I pass that one test I pass the class.  So I study the material, take the test, wait for a pass or fail.  I do have 2 times to take the test but it is so nerve racking.  I have to make sure that I am going to pass this ONE test to pass the class.  It isn’t like normal classes where if you fail a test you can make up for it by doing good on other work.  Talk about some stress. 

The Wifey Hat:

I am also a full time wife.  I feel like such a failure most days with this hat.  Mostly because Noah and I do not get alone time.  While I am at work, Noah is at home studying for his classes, when I get home, Noah is already gone to school.  When he gets home from school, I am in bed.  This is our schedule 5 days a week.  Noah’s 2 kids, my step babies, Elijah and Kirsten, do not live with us full time but they are at our house every weekend.  So we have no weekend time alone either.  Not that I want our kids to be gone…but I feel so lonely when I can’t spend a few hours of “quality time” with Noah.  We live with my in-laws (which I am eternally grateful for) but that also adds in to our “NO ALONE TIME!” It truly (pardon my language) sucks!!

The Worker Hat:

I work full time too! I work Monday through Friday 8-5.  I hate my job most days but I am thankful to have one in this economy.  I stress out at home over things at work, mostly things that I can’t control and I know I need to leave at work.  I work for a small company and too much is shared here.   Too much information coming in from the boss about the financial aspects of the company and too much gossip and hate talk between the women here.  I feel out of place because I am usually alone as I don’t fit it any of the “groups” here.  I have a moral problem with some of the things that happen here too.  It is definitely starting to take a toll on me. 

The Step-Mom Hat:

I have two precious step-kids.  I blog about them a lot as they are a huge part of my life.  No matter what anyone told me, nothing could prepare me for the drama/anger/irritation that comes with being the “step-mom” and comes from the “real mom”.  Our kids “real mom” hates me.  I really can not figure out why, I wish she didn’t.  She hates Noah too.  We try and try and try our hardest to keep peace with her and arrange things nicely but she flat.out.refuses! I don’t know if it is the race barrier between us or what.  I have never tried to be “mommy” to the kids.  I am step-mom, they call me Cori, and that is fine with me.  I love them and show them how much I love them.  I am there to guide them and be a listening ear when they need it.  You would think that a mother would want someone like that in their children’s lives.  I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I had to deal with a “step-mom” in my own kids lives that I would pray for someone that loved them and cared for them.  This hat also comes with the hardships of disciplining, setting boundaries, etc.  It is all a bit overwhelming sometimes but I just try to put my “big girl” panties on and deal with it. 

The Mommy Hat:

While my daughter is not born yet, I am still being a mommy.  I am preparing for her birth and arrival into this family.  Sometimes, I feel like I am alone on this train.  Noah is not one of those guys that gets excited about baby stuff.  Now don’t get me wrong, he is more than excited about having another daughter to care for and raise in Christ’s name.  But he does not care what things are still needed to buy, what color mobile I get for Bella’s crib, etc.  I mean let’s face it..not many guys do care about those things! With my mom in another state, I feel like I have gone through that process alone.  She does help but can only do so much from over the phone.  I am pretty sure this is just my pregnancy hormones talking but I can’t help it.

I also wear several other “smaller” hats in my life as I am sure we all do.  Hats such as the daughter hat, the daughter in law hat, the sister hat, the friend hat, and the pregnancy hat (which goes along with the “mommy hat”)

I am trying my hardest to balance all this out.  But it is by no means easy.  Sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs, cry, and lay in bed all day!  However, that would leave many hats neglected and we just can’t have that happen can we? 

1 comment:

  1. Sounds like you're a lady with all the different "hats" you're wearing. I know it's easy to get overwhelmed especially more so when you've got pregnancy hormones raging.
    God is definetely able to provide you strength and endurance to be all that you need to be. Congrats on your baby!